Something to lighten the mood a little. Caleb Backholm has graced us with a ditty.
It happened again. Another Minnesota Democrat left his home, and well…. it didn’t go well. This can’t keep happening. There is clearly a great lack of training and ability on the streets, and something has to change.
Once upon a time in this country, shortly after the invention of the automobile, it was determined that a license would be required for those who wished to drive on public roads. For the good of all.
It has now become quite apparent that a gaping loophole remains in the law, especially for Minnesota Democrats. The car has become superfluous to the danger, and even walking or standing has become a risk too great for society to bear.
So from this day forth, I am calling for a “Going Out in Public” license for Minnesota Democrats, effective immediately. Until such a license is obtained and the exam is passed, stay off the streets. Democrats are hereby relegated to a life of staying home, ordering takeout, and doomscrolling.
Yes, you may call me a tyrant, but I am nothing if not a benevolent tyrant. I am here to help.
I am going to give you the questions on the “Going out in Public” license exam in advance. You can practice and prepare. So take notes.First section – You will be taken to a sidewalk. A law enforcement vehicle will begin to drive by. If you stay where you are, you pass. If you suddenly rush out to stand in front of the vehicle, you fail. So don’t go stand in front of their car. Resist the urge.
Second part – This one is the opposite of the prior. You will be placed behind the wheel of a parked SUV. The test instructor, playing the part of law enforcement, will stand in front of you and tell you to get out. If you get out, you pass. If you start the engine, hit the gas, and strike the instructor with your vehicle, causing injury and internal bleeding, you fail.
Next – This part is a group test. You may bring a friend or two to help. Fun, right?
You will be standing together on a public street, and law enforcement officials will attempt to arrest a child molester nearby.
If you stay where you are *OR* slowly move even farther away, you pass.
If you rush over to help the child molester get away, pushing the officers, or blowing whistles loudly in their ears like a gaggle of castrated roosters, you fail.As you can see, this test isn’t easy. And it gets harder.
Next, you will be told to walk past a church on Sunday morning. If you do it, you pass.
If you walk into the church and join in the singing or sit quietly and listen to the sermon, you also pass.
However, if you enter the church and drown out the pastor with your incoherent screams and cuss out the congregants, you fail.Lastly, you will be taken to a freeway, probably the 35W/Hennepin Ave exchange or something similar. You will be handed a sign that reads “Black Lives Matter” on one side and “Stop Global Warming” on the other.
All you have to do to pass this section is literally not go stand in the middle of the freeway. That’s it. That’s the whole bit.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. (Other than, “Boy, this sounds really hard. There is no way I can pass this, don’tcha know.”) You’re also thinking, “This is discrimination. Republicans should also have to get a “Going Out in Public” license. They should have to take a test, too.”
And you’re right. This is the land of equality. What’s good for the duck is good for the grey duck, and all that.
But here’s the thing. We already took the test. We all passed.
It’s just Minnesota Democrats that are still really struggling with the whole going-out-in-public thing.
I can also hear you complain, “This is unconstitutional. We have the right to go out in public!”
True enough, but there’s an issue there, too. Our constitution was written for a people with a modicum of self-control and a personal moral compass greater than that of a rabid raccoon. It is “wholly inadequate for the governance of any other.”
You’re the “any other” here.
You need a license worse than boiled potatoes need lutefisk, if you know what I mean.And as your favorite judges like to say, “rights are not unlimited.”
So for now, stay home and stay safe. (You remember that, right? You were really good at that.) Order up some Uber Eats and start studying. We’ll send you the date of your exam soon. With a little hard work and a whole lot of luck, you’ll be “Going Out in Public” in no time, and making Minnesota great.
Again.