WARNING: Satire Ahead!
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a heartwarming ceremony, President Joe Biden awarded the prestigious Medal of Honor to Kaleo Manuel for his work conserving water during the deadly Hawaii wildfires.
“When people begged for water to save their homes, their very lives – Mr. Manuel had the courage to stand firm and say ‘No’,” said President Biden. “That’s the kind of climate change warrior this administration wants to honor.”
Mr. Manuel boldly refused to release water to put out the raging fires because of the need for equity in water usage. “If you quit believing in water equity the moment your house catches fire, then you don’t believe in water equity at all,” said Mr. Manuel in a speech. “We have to ignore those negative voices saying ‘I’m burning alive’ and ‘This is the end’. We have to hold firm if we’re going to build an equitable water future.”
President Biden reportedly looks to capitalize on Mr. Manuel’s bold actions by placing him in charge of the administration’s Climate Action Committee. “We think he has what it takes,” said senior aide Lisa Lemon. “We’ve got to cut off hungry people from inexpensive food and poor people from inexpensive transportation. Mr. Manuel seems like the perfect fit for the job.”
Hurricane Hilary forecasts indicated that catastrophic flooding was heading to the west coast of the North American continent. However, as it neared the coast, it weakened considerably and made landfall as a tropical depression. In addition, it changed course and much of the weakened storm actually passed over desert.
Officials in Los Angeles and San Francisco expressed dismay at the fact that they did not raging flood waters cascading down their streets. They had hoped that flooding would cleanse the streets of poop.
One official went so far as to accuse Russia of interfering with the storm by sending cold water currents down the west coast. Everyone knows that hurricanes like warm water.
In another stunning move, Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis has announced the indictment of every Trump voter on charges of conspiracy to overturn democracy by voting for a Republican candidate for President.
Willis noted:
“These MAGA voters committed the heinous act of disagreeing with the ruling elites, which threatens the bedrock of democracy itself. In order to keep Donald Trump from regaining power, we must deal with his legion of domestic terrorist voters. No one is above the laws that we made up for this indictment.”
Willis took this action after receiving a call from Washington demanding more indictments to distract from the continuing oozing of stories about corruption in Wahington.
The JoeBama administration indicated that they thought Willis would make an excellent candidate for the next Attorney General of the United States due to her ability to manufacture indictments quickly.