Items Worthy of Babylon Bee

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Judge Merchan fines President Trump for delivering pizzas to firemen

“This is clearly a forbidden reference to PizzaGate. What Adam and I do on the weekends is nobody’s business,” said the jurist, referring to his employer Rep. Adam Schiff, a “small black olive”- guy.

Guilty conscience?


Currently approximately 1,000 American troops are trapped in Niger.  The Biden administration is exploring designating the troops as illegal aliens so that they can be flown into the United States.

Apparently, this is the quickest way to gain entry into America.  No need to wait on those long lines at the US Customs areas.


After Biden’s most recent slur-filled speech, his staff is exploring ways to shorten his speeches.  One method under serious consideration is to have only the first syllable of each word in the teleprompter.  Most people cannot understand him anyway unless Biden gets angry and throws a tantrum.

This strategy is akin to hiding in your basement while campaigning for President as Biden did in 2020.


A team of Chinese researchers has created a mutant strain of the Ebola virus that bypasses higher biosafety regulations, leading to the death of a test group of hamsters, as reported by the Daily Mail.

The study, recently published in Virologica Sinica, aimed to establish a surrogate model for human Ebola virus disease.

What could possibly go wrong?


The “classified documents” case against President Trump is falling apart. The Special Council prosecuting the case, Jack Smith, admitted in a court filing that his team altered or manipulated the documents seized by the FBI from Trump’s Mar-A-Lago home.

Isn’t this admission of evidence tampering by the prosecution?

IMO they are trying to get the judge to dismiss the case so they can appeal to a more friendly court higher up.


Democrat Rep. Maxine Waters (CA) has felt very neglected recently as Waters has stopped being sought after for her views of the world.  To gain more exposure, Waters recently floated an unhinged conspiracy theory that Trump supporters are “training up in the hills somewhere.”

Waters said she’s going to ask the weaponized Justice Department what they’re going to do to protect the country against violence from these MAGA extremists.

“I wanna know about all those right-wing organizations that he’s connected with who are training up in the hills somewhere and targeting what communities they’re going to attack,” Maxine Waters said without providing any proof whatsoever to back up her claims.

Waters appears to being in the running with Rep. Hank Johnson for the most ridiculous statements.  Johnson had predicted that the island of Guam would capsize if too many Marines were stationed there.

And these people keep getting elected.

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